Childhood, Friends, & Journals
by Sailor Heartache
Summary: Serena's forced to face her feelings for Darien when he begins dating Mina.


Childhood, Friends, & Journals By Crimson Fairy aka Sailor Heartache  
Dianap@lunap.com  
There had been times when I would have killed to be asked by Darien   
Shields to go to the Homecoming Dance, but we were what some affectionately   
called 'worst enemies'. I was the cheerleading champion of Wylie High having   
lead the squad to national championships for the past two years, and he was the   
football team captain.   
I know, I know, what a classical match made in heaven, right? Well, it   
wasn't. I had been dating his brother since we were in eighth grade, and   
although Andrew was a great guy I just couldn't love him. Not the way I loved   
Darien. Of course, at most times I did believe him to be an arrogantly conceited   
jerk who knew nothing more the bug stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and he   
believed me to be a rich little daddy's girl who knew nothing of anything   
besides what the best highlight colors would be for his sister.   
We fought, we shouted, and eventually somebody would break us apart, but   
no matter how much I tried to hate the boy our fights were always the best part   
of my day. Mina, my poor cousin, had grown up with the three of us, she and   
Andrew were always wondering off somewhere in order to get away from our ear   
splitting screams.  
But as you've probably figured out Darien hates me, and has since the   
first time I met him. Of course you're saying 'no, no, I'm sure that's not   
true', but it is for a fact true. Here let me start at the beginning, okay not   
really the beginning but the beginning of what's important.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
"Come on, Sere." Andrew said punching me in the arm in an effort to shake   
me back to life, "We have got to get going, the movie starts in five minutes."  
Bless his heart, Andrew was just not creative. Every Friday night we went   
to a movie, every Saturday he'd take me out to lunch, and every Sunday he'd show   
up at my front door and drive me to church.   
Swatting away one of the million mosquitoes living on my front porch I   
hurried out to his car, "Okay, let's go. I suppose Mina is meeting us there with   
her latest crush?"  
Andrew nodded with a far away look in his eyes, I had known for a long   
time that Andrew liked Mina, but still no matter where we went he invited her to   
come along knowing perfectly well that she would bring her latest crush and   
leave him heartbroken again. Of course I was not different, every time we went   
out I'd search the crowds for Darien just to see if he was there with some girl   
who wasn't me. I'm pretty sure that both Andrew and I had known a long time ago   
that our relationship was only of a brother sister type.  
Just as I had known, Mina was standing in front of the box office waiting   
for us, the only problem is that she was with Darien. Now, I have no problem   
with Darien dating people I don't know, but somehow the idea that he and my   
cousin were dating was suddenly making me feel incredibly jealous. After all,   
wasn't she supposed to read my thoughts and know that since I was five I had   
loved Darien.  
Of course, anybody who couldn't read my thoughts couldn't possibly know   
that my world revolved around him. That my every thought somehow ended on what   
he was doing and how to find a way to see him without letting him know how much   
I lived just to argue with him.  
"SERE!" Mina shouted as I stepped out of Andrew's car and headed towards   
her and Darien, "Guess what!"  
I of course had no idea what she was talking about, so in order to amuse   
her I energetically waited for her to tell me.  
It didn't take long, in less than a minute she was by my side whispering   
in my ear, "He did it, Sere! He asked me to homecoming!"  
I was slightly confused, she hadn't told me she'd been waiting for anyone   
special to ask her. "Who?"  
Her eyes widened and she bent back over to my ear and whispered the one   
word that ruined the rest of my night, "Darien!"  
Now, I knew that Darien would never ask me, I knew that from the   
beginning. Yet, hearing Mina suddenly brought my knowledge to reality, and I   
suddenly realized how desperately I'd wanted him to ask me. How much I had been   
holding out hope, but then again the only thing we ever said to each other was   
'Hi, you're looking awful today'. It was almost as if I was cursed as if the   
Gods had decided I was to be the laughingstock of the human race – I was to fall   
in love with the only man who I never had a chance with.  
The movie went by without me paying any attention to the gory plot line   
that Darien and Andrew had decided on, the next thing I knew we were headed to   
Chili's to grab a burger. Mina was jumping all over the place so happy that   
Darien had asked her, but no body seemed to notice my feelings of distress. We   
managed to get through dinner and outside before the final straw broke. Just as   
I was getting into Andrew's car I turned back to wave to Mina only to find the   
two in what I could only name as a kiss out of a romance novel.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
I don't know how I managed to get home without bursting into tears, but   
somehow I did. But when I finally managed to reach my room I found no comfort,   
because all across my room there were pictures of the four of us from the time   
we were four until last year's state football game Darien and Andrew in their   
football jerseys and Mina and I in our cheerleading outfits. It was one of my   
favorites because Darien had his arm around me holding me close while Andrew   
held Mina.  
I suppose that was when I had my first real breakdown sitting there on the   
floor holding the picture so tightly that the corners cut into my palms, I   
cried. I can't even remember how long I sat there, I knew my mother was knocking   
on the door asking if I was alright, and I knew that in some distant place my   
phone was ringing, but none of it mattered. I had finally lost all hope that he   
would ever love me that he would ever think of me the way I did him.  
I began to lose faith in the world I felt that I could no longer believe   
in the silly love stories I'd been reading since I was five, almost as if love   
was simply a fairy tale written to make little children hold hope in an   
otherwise dreary world. I decided that all I had left was Andrew, and I would   
hold on to him forever.  
That was of course when I decided to check my messages to see who had   
called while I was out, and while I was having my breakdown. There was one   
message from Donna asking me to be on the homecoming committee, another from   
Donna asking when cheerleading practice was, one from Mina telling me what her   
and Darien had done after we left (this one I could not listen to, but simply   
deleted), and the last took my last bit of being away.   
It was Andrew, calling me from a cell phone in who knows where. He said it   
was time to end our charade, he knew I loved Darien and I knew he loved Mina, I   
guess it tore him apart just as much as it had torn me apart to see them kiss   
like there was no tomorrow.   
And suddenly I was left alone, I had nobody left. The man I loved was in   
love with my cousin and my boyfriend had finally dumped me. I knew I had tons of   
acquaintances, but what I needed was someone who knew everything about me   
someone who could tell what I was feeling simply by looking me in the eyes. But   
I was not the type of person who had thousands of best friends, I only had two   
one of which was my cousin the other my ex-boyfriend.  
The next few days went along in a haze, I busied myself with work, taking   
on the homecoming committee, my homework, and cheerleading practice not taking   
time to see anyone when I didn't have to.  
Andrew looked as bad as I did. I had begun to stop eating not seeing the   
need to, and the loss was showing. Somehow it didn't mater much, I had stopped   
feeling pain or sorrow.  
Mina was becoming a mother hen, unable to figure out what was wrong with   
me, she spent her time forcing me to eat or taking me to raves to cheer up. But   
being with Mina only made me feel worse, because it seemed as if everywhere she   
went Darien would show up.  
The first time I saw him I felt as if every last piece of my broken heart   
shattered again into even tinier pieces. He looked so good, his midnight blue   
eyes boring into mine as if he knew everything about me just by taking one good   
look, and somehow I think he did.  
That was when I began having dreams of him and her, and after a while I   
just quit sleeping. I couldn't handle seeing their faces so close in my dreams,   
suddenly sleep joined the list along with food neither were important. So in   
place of sleeping I began writing in a journal, putting all my deepest thoughts   
into its bindings as if it was the long lost friend I'd never had.  
Of course, my body did not last long without food or sleep, and in the   
middle of the homecoming football game I fell from the top of the pyramid in   
sheer exhaustion.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
I woke up in the hospital with my mother crying silently and my father   
staring blankly at the wall, but for the life of me I couldn't remember why I   
was there. I don't know why, but when the doctor, Mina, Andrew, and Darien all   
came in together I just kept my eyes closed trying to find out what was going   
on.  
"What's wrong with my daughter?" My father asked ready to pounce on   
somebody for the answers he'd probably been waiting for hours to receive.  
The doctor cleared his throat, "Your daughter seems to be suffering from   
exhaustion, mild bulimia, and severe depression."  
"Bulimia? Serena, would never do that to herself!" My mother shouted, and   
I knew by the sound of her voice that tears were running down her face.  
"I understand, Mrs. Johnson, but we believe it to be a result of her   
depression. Most likely she simply lost interest in eating and believed it to be   
unimportant."  
I could hear my father's feet as he paced the foot of my bed, and most   
likely turned on Mina to question her. "What is so bad in her life that she has   
slipped into a depression?"  
Mina obviously had no idea, but she tried her best to improvise. "It might   
be over her and Andrew's breakup."  
Suddenly I was tired of listening to them discuss me, tired of everybody   
being so down right stupid, but most of all I was tired of myself for letting   
this go as far as it had.   
"I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation about my life, but I'm getting   
tired of it." I paused as everybody turned to stare at me wondering how much I   
had heard, "Why don't you all just leave, I'm tired." I felt Darien's eyes   
boring into my back, surely trying to figure out what had been so bad, "I'm so   
tired, of everything."  
I don't know how he knew, or what he knew, but somehow Darien understood   
that I really needed to be alone right now. After about ten minutes he managed   
to convince everyone that I was okay, I only needed a little time to myself, but   
even after everyone else was gone he did not leave. He simply sat in the chair   
my mother had previously occupied and stared at me, what he was looking for I   
don't know, but after a while he realized he couldn't find it in my eyes and   
began to gaze out the window.  
We sat in silent companionship for awhile, how long I don't know, until he   
finally asked me the question that I knew he had been wondering about maybe   
since he heard about my accident. "Why, Sere, what is it that is so bad?"  
I've never been able to lie to Darien, even when I tried he could see   
right through me, but now was not a time to tell him that he had broke my heart   
more times then I can count.  
"Dare, have you ever just lost faith? Lost the hope that everything will   
turn out all right in the end?" I asked, I wasn't sure what I was looking for in   
him, but it was something just out of reach.  
He turned his head towards mine, and although he was facing me I knew he   
did not see me. "When mother died, don't you remember?" I did, but something   
told me that I would learn something if I didn't say anything, so I simply   
listened. "You were there with me, you always were, when dad came in looking for   
us. Our families are so close that he felt he had to tell you too, that you had   
the right to know. He sat there and he carefully explained to us how she had   
fallen asleep at the wheel and lost control of her car. I didn't talk to anyone   
for day, I would just sit there silently while the rest of the world went on. It   
felt like it was all some bad dream, somehow I lost the faith to believe that it   
would all be alright."  
His eyes closed as if he was trying remember some memory he held closely   
to heart, "That was the night I ran away, but you saw me running and you came   
after me. You sat there as I told you to go home, that you couldn't understand   
why I was leaving. Then you looked me right in the eyes and said, 'I may not   
understand, but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave you here alone, either'. I   
argued with you, I told you I was alone, I didn't have anyone else. Do you   
remember what you said to me?"  
I gave a small smile as I remembered, "I laughed at you and told you you'd   
never be alone because you had Andrew, Mina, and me. I told you it didn't mater   
what happened, the four of us would always get through it together."  
He opened his eyes to stare at me again, "You were the one who said it,   
Sere. Why won't you tell us what's wrong?"  
I looked away from his prying gaze, I was so sure he could read right   
through me and see every secret I tried to keep locked away. "Even if I told you   
it would make no difference, some things are always meant to be secrets."  
I knew he was disappointed that I wouldn't tell him, and I knew he was   
probably thinking of how I had always trusted him when we were kids, but he   
could never know how much I loved him. He would always see this incident as his   
fault, and he would maybe even stay with me to keep me from hurting myself   
further, but I didn't want that. I didn't want pity or sympathy or even   
disappointment, I didn't want him to look back later in his life and think of   
how I'd cornered him. So I sat there silently refusing to answer the one   
question he wanted answered the most.  
He continued to question me moving on to small things, when was the last   
time I had eaten? When was the last time I slept? Why wouldn't I sleep? When he   
learned about my dreams he wanted to know what they were about, thinking they   
could lead him to my insane reason for doing this to myself, but he was sorely   
disappointed when I wouldn't tell him. After a while he got tired and left, most   
likely leaving to fill in my parents and his on what he could get out of me. I   
knew that tomorrow I would have to face either Mina or Andrew.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
I was right, as soon as I woke up Mina rushed into my room carrying a box   
of expensive chocolate and her makeup bag. Mina's approach to things had always   
been a little different then most people.  
She went to work immediately, handing me the chocolates to eat while she   
began giving me a make over. I just sat there silently letting her brush her   
goop all over my face, now don't get me wrong. Mina is not a dumb person, she   
simply puts her priorities in a different order then most people. She sat there   
and led me to believe she had no idea what was going on before she finally   
dropped the bomb on me.  
"You're in love aren't you?"  
I just sat there silently clarifying her assumption.  
"Let me guess, he started going out with someone, and they seem really   
serious."  
Well, I wasn't sure about the serious part, I hoped that they weren't.  
"Who is he?"  
That's when I shut off, it didn't matter I'd never have him anyway. Plus,   
if Mina ever found out then just like Darien she would blame herself for never   
seeing it. Then again, part of me did blame her for never realizing, for never   
understanding how much I needed him. But I had done this to myself, it was my   
subconscious decision to torture myself for the feelings that I couldn't help   
but feel.  
She tried for a while longer, thinking of tricking me into answering her,   
but it wouldn't work. I guarded my secret well, too well. I was beginning to   
feel caged as if I couldn't hold everything in forever. I didn't have my journal   
to spill my feelings into, and I had no I could trust not to tell. So I just sat   
there and let the feelings ball up inside.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
Andrew arrived after dinner, obviously he had done better homework. He sat   
there with me and played a few card games, slowly helping me let my guard down   
before he pulled it out.  
I don't know how he got it, most likely he asked my parents if it would be   
okay for him to look in my room for clues and had accidentally stumbled upon it.   
I knew Andrew, and although he probably never would have read it in a normal   
situation, he was scared about what I was doing to myself and had most likely   
read it cover to cover twice.  
He turned to stare out the window, "You know, Sere, it was always you and   
me that could never confront our true feelings. We trusted each other because we   
were always steady. I could lean on you, while I watched Mina date every guy   
with a pulse at least once. Every guy but me. And you leaned on me while you   
watched Darien do the same, but it was eating us up inside. She hurt me so much   
without even knowing it, and he did the same to you, but it's not their fault.   
They don't understand what's going on, although they're right in the middle of   
the action they can't figure out what it is that's going on."  
I felt the tears falling silently as I finally let go of all the walls and   
barriers I'd put up to keep them from knowing, "It hurts so much, Andrew. I   
thought I could live knowing he would never love me, that he could never, but I   
can't. I just can't."  
He jumped up and started shaking my shoulders, "Serena, you can! It's just   
harder than what you've had to do before. You just have to realize that there   
are people who can't live without you, and then you have to live for them. Even   
he can't live without you, although it may not be the reason you want."  
I closed my eyes against his boring gaze, "I don't think I can, I don't   
think I want to."  
"Do you remember when you and Darien found me after Mother died?" He   
asked, "I told you that I didn't want to live anymore, and Darien said that was   
nonsense I had to live just to see what will happen tomorrow. Do you remember?"  
I nodded.  
"You have to live for tomorrow, Sere. You don't know what will happen, you   
don't know if it will be good or bad, but the adventure of seeing it is enough   
to live for."  
In some strange way that did help me, "I can't promise anything."  
He smiled, "You don't have to, I know you better than that."  
And I knew he was telling the truth.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
Mina came twice more, Andrew visited every day, but Darien seemed to   
always be there. Whether he was outside with my parents, or inside making sure I   
was still breathing.  
He brought me all sorts of things, magazines, flowers, books, and even a   
giant card the football team and cheerleaders had signed. Whenever I was with   
him I felt so much better, but the minute he was gone I was left to remember why   
I was here in the first place.  
I continued to write in my journal, telling of how I felt around Darien   
and how Andrew had convinced me that everything might be all right again some   
day. However, Darien and Andrew seemed a little hostile towards each other.   
Andrew I'm sure felt angry that Darien knew nothing of my feelings while Darien   
felt jealous that I had confided in Andrew and not him.  
Unknowingly, Mina gave me the best news I'd had in a long time on her last   
visit to my room.   
"I met the most handsome guy in the mall today." Mina exclaimed as she   
flipped through a copy of Cosmo girl that Darien had brought me. "His name's Jon   
and he asked me to go out on Saturday!"  
I was suddenly confused, "What do you mean? What about Darien?"  
She rolled her eyes at my lack of knowledge, "We broke up, after   
homecoming."  
I ignored her sarcasm, "Why?"  
She shrugged, "He wasn't interested in me, and I wasn't interested in him.   
He just made a good Homecoming date."  
Just like that Mina had made my day, and suddenly I wanted out of the   
stupid hospital, out of the stupid gown and into my own clothing. I wanted to   
win Darien, this time I wasn't going to sit around while he got some other girl   
to date.  
In a day I was out of the hospital, but I was never left alone. At home my   
door was always open, and somebody always made sure I ate and slept. When I was   
out I was with Andrew, Mina, or Darien.  
Darien and I hadn't argued since I had seen him and Mina at the movies,   
and I liked the fact that we were now talking. So I started spending time at his   
house, I did my homework there and just sat there talking to him for hours on   
end. It seemed that we would never run out of things to talk about.  
Then Andrew finally got what he wished for, Mina asked him out. Darien and   
I laughed saying it was destined to happen sooner or later, and accompanied them   
to the movies for their first date. After a month I knew it was serious, and   
suddenly I was happy that it had finally happened to Andrew, but I was also   
waiting for it to happen to me.  
Darien and I started going out every Friday night, but only as friends. It   
meant more to me then it possible could have to him, but those were always the   
times when I was happiest.  
That is when I got careless, and left my journal at his house.  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
Some things you just don't want people to know while other things you fear   
people knowing, and as soon as I found out I'd misplaced it I realized where I'd   
left it. I'd begun to carry it around with me in order to write about the little   
things that happen during the day, and I had written in it at Darien's house.  
I panicked at the thought of him having read my deepest thoughts, most of   
which were about him. I ran off not knowing why or where I was going till I got   
there.  
Without knowing it I had arrived at the first place I had ever met Darien.   
A small tree house behind my house where we spent most of our younger years. I   
sat in the tree house for probably hours before he found me. I don't know how I   
knew, but somehow I knew that if I sat there long enough he would find me.  
He sat there not saying anything for the longest time, before finally   
looking at me. "Why? Why didn't you ever tell me?"  
I couldn't look at him, I couldn't face the disappointment of knowing he   
hated me now. "I couldn't, what would it have changed anyway."  
He was quiet for a minute, "Everything."  
My head jerked up at his statement and I stared at him trying to find the   
truth hidden behind his eyes. "Don't joke with me, Darien."  
He didn't say anything for a long while, "Do you remember the night Mina   
ran away, because she thought she was adopted?" I nodded. "Do you remember that   
while we were searching for her you nearly fell over the edge of that cliff   
behind my house?" Another nod. "Do you remember what I said to you?"  
I searched my memory, and finally came up with the piece he was talking   
about. He had told me then he would never let me fall, and I had shook my head   
and told him not to lie and he replied that he could never lie to me.  
"I meant it, Serena. I would never lie to you, I couldn't."  
I searched his eyes again, "What are you saying to me, Darien?"  
He grinned, "I love you, since that time you fell out of your tree and   
broke your arm so bad you had to have surgery, and Andrew kept telling me you   
were going to die. I thought I'd never be able to go on without you."  
I didn't think this was real that he could really love me after all I'd   
been through but there he was and suddenly he kissed me. This kiss was nothing   
compared to the one he had given Mina, this one proved to me beyond all doubt   
that Darien Sheilds loved me just as much as I loved him. And suddenly I was I   
lived to see this day.  



End file.
